


Last Christmas

by sonictrowel



Series: Long Night in the Blue House [63]
Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Angst, But mostly angst, F/M, Fluff and Angst, I'm Sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-06
Updated: 2017-07-06
Packaged: 2018-11-28 13:29:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,284
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11418948
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sonictrowel/pseuds/sonictrowel
Summary: The Doctor lay on the other edge of the little single bed, propped on an elbow with his head resting in his hand.  He met River’s gaze over Athena sleeping between them, and his lips twitched half-heartedly into a semblance of a smile.  He laid his hand over hers.“We should let her get some rest,” said his voice, soft and low in her mind.  River nodded numbly.He leaned down and kissed Athena’s head, his eyes shut and brows drawn together.“There.  She’ll sleep til morning.”Morning.  After all these years, he actually meant it, this time.





	Last Christmas

 

[Darillium]

Athena’s soft breathing was just audible over the sound of River’s own heartbeat, slow but pounding in her ears.  It had taken ages for her poor sweet girl to finally drift off, too nervous about what morning would bring, but they hated to rush her to sleep with so little time left to spend together.  At least now one of them would be getting some rest tonight.  River brushed her hand across Athena’s forehead and she took a deep breath through her nose, shifting slightly, and let out a quiet sigh.  

The Doctor lay on the other edge of the little single bed, propped on an elbow with his head resting in his hand.  He met River’s gaze over Athena sleeping between them, and his lips twitched half-heartedly into a semblance of a smile.  He laid his hand over hers.  

 _“We should let her get some rest,”_ said his voice, soft and low in her mind.  River nodded numbly.

He leaned down and kissed Athena’s head, his eyes shut and brows drawn together.  

_“There.  She’ll sleep til morning.”_

Morning.  After all these years, he actually meant it, this time.

___

They’d done their celebrating on Christmas Eve, as their Christmas Day wasn’t looking so hopeful.  They couldn’t give Athena too many gifts; she’d have to be travelling light.  She was such a strong, clever, wonderful girl.  She didn’t complain.

The Doctor’s gift to her was a silver fob watch.  Not something every four-year-old girl dreamed of, but her little fingers clicked open the cover and she held it close to her ear, listening to the second hand ticking with her eyes alight, as if she held a very precious treasure.  On the back was a swirling inscription: her initials in Gallifreyan.

“I hope you’ll only ever have to use this for telling time, sweetheart,” he said, with a smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes.

River gave her a knapsack for the journey, packed with all the letters and journals and photos and stories they’d spent the past years collecting for her.  Everything they could put down to paper to attempt to fill the gaping absence they were about to leave in her life.

It was so very, very far from enough.

They talked over their plans with Nardole again in the glow of the fairy lights, making sure he knew all he needed to know about the time distortion, where he was most likely to find Amy and Rory, what evasive measures he could take if he felt they were being pursued.  The possibility terrified River.  They would be looking for her; no doubt about that.  

The Doctor had cobbled together a device, a mish-mash of a perception filter and a chronon blocker, which would effectively disguise the TARDIS’s wake through the Vortex.  There was still a period of danger when they landed on Earth.  No one could know where she was hiding, or then _they_ could simply get in the long way round too.  Athena would only be safe if they made it to Manhattan undetected.

“You don’t have to stay, Nardole,” River said quietly.  “You’re doing so much for us, for Athena.  I don’t want this to dictate your entire life.  She’ll be safe with my parents.  You can even leave us a message, if you like.  You know the old tricks.  One of us can come for you outside of the distortion and take you somewhere else you’d like to go.”

“Never saw myself spending any time with children,” he mused, glancing over at Athena playing with Vincent near the tree.  “Not really my style.  She just happens to be the exception.”  He smiled.   “You can rely on me, Dr. Song.”

River sniffled as she pulled him into a hug.  She glanced over at the Doctor, who was looking at his feet, lips slightly pursed in that way that meant he was fighting back a more undignified expression.

“The Doctor might need you more,” she whispered into Nardole’s ear.  “He’s going to try to go it alone, because he’s an idiot.  He’s going to need someone to kick his arse when I’m not around.”

“And are you giving _me_ licence to do it?” he asked out of the corner of his mouth.

River grinned through her misery.  “Who else could manage it?  I only hire the best.”

Nardole gave her a sad smile and a firm nod as they parted.

“Thank you,” she mouthed silently.

“Right, isn’t it time for some of that brandy cake of yours, sir?” he said, clapping his hands once.  “We’ve got to eat it all in a hurry.”

___

The Doctor climbed gingerly off of the bed, careful not to disturb Athena despite the psychic sleep aid.  He offered River his hand and helped her up.

They paused in the threshold between Athena’s room and their own.  River watched their daughter’s sweet sleeping face, lit by the yellow light of their bedside lamp, filtering around their shadows in doorway.

There was a part of her that wouldn’t stop screaming that there had to be another way.  There had to be something, some way around it, at the last moment.  Had to.

Only, they’d already found the way.  Unfortunately, it just so happened that it was the long way round.

The Doctor pulled her silently into his arms as the door to Athena’s room clicked shut, and she curled her fingers in his shirt, white-knuckled.

Twenty-four years of knowing this was coming, of suppressing the dread and trying not to think about it.  And now they were here.  She lifted her eyes to meet his, reddened and shining.  He smiled sadly at her; more like a wince, really.

She gave up looking for the words and leaned into him, her eyes fluttering shut as she pressed her lips to his, soft and slow.  She wanted to feel every atom in her body as they mingled with his, to focus in so tightly she could sense the frequency of the vibrations made by every touch.

“River,” he muttered against her lips, his voice hitching _._

She took a shuddering breath and smiled weakly.  “I know.”

The Doctor pulled back just enough to look at her, brushing his thumb over her cheek, his bright eyes searching her face.  He nodded faintly, and then his mouth was on hers again, his arms wrapping around her as they stumbled back to their bed.

His warm hands slipped under her shirt while she fumbled with the buttons on his waistcoat.  It was difficult to keep a sense of priorities in their desperation for each other, occasionally forgetting their half-removed clothing in favour of frantic kisses.

The Doctor’s hand brushed through River’s hair and rested over her temple as his lips moved to her cheek, and she felt that familiar flutter again in her mind.

“More messages?”

“Can’t have you forgetting I love you _._  There _has_ been precedent,” he grumbled.

“Don’t think there’s any danger of that this time,” she whispered, smiling and blinking back tears.

“Good.  But just in case.”

It was all crashing over her in waves: a fierce swell of love immediately consumed by the shocking weight of sorrow.

“I don’t know how to thank you,” she said as the Doctor eased her trousers over her hips, mouthing warm kisses messily along her throat.

He paused.  “Thank me?  What for?”

“For everything.  For twenty-four years of what I never thought we could have.”

“River,” he said, rising up on his arms to look at her properly, “you shouldn’t be thanking me for our _life_.  This wasn’t—” he shook his head, frowning.  “This wasn’t a gift.  Or even if it was, if you think _I_ didn’t want this more than anything, if you think I didn’t… didn’t dream about having this with you for centuries, right from the beginning—”

The sound she made as she wiped at her eyes and broke into a grin could have been a laugh or a sob, it was hard even for her to tell.

“I’m not doing you any favours, dear,” the Doctor growled, narrowing his eyes and smiling fondly down at her.  “There’s not much I’ve ever wanted, really.  I come and go and so does everything and everyone else.  But you I want to keep.  Not for twenty-four years or two hundred.  For good.”

River reached up to hold his wonderful, beautiful face in her hands.  His hair was falling all about in odd tufts as he looked down at her, his hooded eyes softening to that open, adoring gaze that warmed her from the inside out.

“My motivations are one hundred percent selfish.  You’re mine, River Song.  —And I’m all yours, of course,” he added in the low, rough whisper that always turned her to mush.  “For as long as you’ll put up with me.”

She couldn’t bear to go another second without kissing him.  He was already leaning down, drawn by the same magnetic force, and she drank him in desperately.

“Bloody good thing I did leave you so many messages,” he muttered, his lips brushing over hers.  “Honestly, wife, for the cleverest person I know you can really be thick sometimes.”

“Oh, shut up.”

The Doctor’s eyes lit up as he scrunched his brows down, grinning.  “Not a chance.”

Marvelling that this ridiculous, wonderful man could make her laugh on the worst night of her life, River wrapped her leg around his hip and abruptly flipped them over, sitting astride him and shoving him back onto the pillows.

The Doctor chuckled softly and reached for her, curling his fingers into her hair as she bent to close the distance between them.  The maddening intensity of love she felt each time their lips touched left her dazzled.  He kissed her with a slow, tender passion that brought tears to her eyes and a flush of heat to everywhere else.  

Finally, their minds wove together: every door flung open, every last little crevice of emotion and memory uncovered, their thoughts so deeply enmeshed that it might actually be difficult to untangle them again.  River couldn’t bring herself to care.

But no, there was one thing still closed to her.  It wouldn’t have been so visible if it weren’t standing in such stark contrast to the rest.  She tried to see it more closely; couldn’t help herself.  In her mind’s eye it seemed to take on the shape of a… planet?  Could be any round thing, but it _felt_ huge.  Looming.  Malicious.  

It cast shadows.

“Please, not that,” he rasped aloud, shattering the spell.  “River, you can’t.”

“Sorry,” she gasped, feeling stunned with the weight of terror and dread and sickening grief that had suddenly washed over her.  

Oh, her poor Doctor.  How long had he been living with this?

“Hush,” the Doctor admonished before she even spoke aloud, and he resumed kissing her breathless.  

The warm, soft slide of his mouth on hers filled her mind and senses entirely as her resolve melted and she gave herself over to the bliss of this moment, putting the future aside.  Little pleading sounds shuddered from her throat with each laboured exhale as she clung to him.  His hands moved over her waist and her back, caressing her with a firm grip, but she could feel the slight tremor in his long fingers.  Both of them shaking with need and dread and fear.

Slowly, softly, River broke away from his kiss, lingering close, lips still grazing his.

“Tell me it’s not over,” she whispered, unable to hide the desperation in her voice.

 _“Never,”_ he replied intently.  “Not us.  Not forever.”

She took a gasping breath, tears finally overflowing, and offered him a quick smile.  “Just have to wait, then.”

“It’s worth it, no matter how long.  Our family is worth it.”

“Mm, you’d _better_ get me back,” she teased, her voice thick and strained.  “You still owe me a baby.”

“I look forward to settling my debt,” the Doctor replied, smiling.

River’s soft laugh turned to a gasp as his clever fingers slipped between her thighs.  

“I love you so much,” he breathed into her ear, his voice choked with held-back tears.

She whimpered agreement, clutching him tightly.

Time was not supposed to be the boss of them.  What good was being a Time Lord, or whatever it was that she was, if they couldn’t make a moment last forever?  But oh, she tried; clinging to each tiny detail, trying to stretch every second in her mind.  

She didn’t ever want to forget the sense of euphoric completion when they came together.  Not the deep, vivid, visceral bliss of it, or the breathtaking depth of fierce emotion that overwhelmed her when she looked into his awed, loving eyes.  

“I’ll wait for you.  Forever if I have to,” she said, lips brushing against his temple.  “As long as you _swear_ it’s not over.”

She rolled her hips slowly, sighing at the perfect, deep press of him inside her.  He moaned quietly; a rough, desperate sound that sent a shiver up her spine and made her heart swell with affection.

“Every night is the last night for something,” the Doctor muttered breathlessly.  “Every Christmas is last Christmas.”

River tried to swallow around the sudden lump in her throat.

“And this,” he said solemnly, “is the last fucking time I say goodbye to you, River.”

Laughter suddenly bubbled up in her again through her tears. Another little miracle from this impossible man.  

“This is the last time we’re going to be apart.  I’m never fucking letting you out of my sight after this.”

“I like that plan,” she said, her heart fluttering wildly.

“Not a plan,” he replied, cupping her face in his hands.  “It’s a promise.”

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I knew these last couple Darillium chapters were going to be tough to write but, oof. Normally these just kinda flow out of me like a woman possessed but I struggled over this one. Hope it lives up to the rest! 
> 
> Thanks so much for reading and for all the wonderful comments on this story, everyone. You are all the best.


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